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Waiting

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m not a very patient person. Being patient is something I struggle with as I guess I’m a natural do-er, I like to get things done, write a list, tick things off, add some more. And getting things done motivates me to get other things done. It gives me energy and inspires me to do the next thing. But I find waiting and just be-ing much, much harder. It’s true to say that patience is not a virtue that I have very much of.

The other thing my friends will tell you is that I like to be in control – in fact some might even say I’m a bit of a control freak! Yes I admit, I feel happy when I have some level of control over what I do, where I go, who I see, what I achieve. I genuinely don’t know where this has come from, but when things feel out of control it definitely causes me a lot of stress. I find it hard to fully let go of things and trust that everything will be ok. It’s not that I don’t trust God or don’t feel that he’s got a plan for me and that he’s got everything in hand – I really do whole heartedly believe all of those things. I just prefer to trust God while also feeling like I’m doing everything in my power to make a difference, however small.

So, given my inherent lack of patience and my deep need to feel in control of things, the last few months have been really difficult. I mean, painfully so. We are in the process of moving house, to Weston-super-Mare, to begin my new role as full time pioneer minister there. We were hoping to move at the end of May, but alas we’re now well into June and still the process rumbles on. The house we’re moving into has been fully refurbished and is sitting empty. The house we currently live in will be rented out as soon as we have a move date. There is no chain on either side and yet, I was appointed way back in January and here we are, some 5 months later and we are still here. It has been a hugely frustrating process as it’s all completely out of my control and taking a lot longer than anyone thought it would.

Living in limbo-land is the worst. You can’t plan anything. You can’t make decisions about the future. You are constantly making provisional arrangements all the while knowing that they may have to change at the last minute. You can’t start anything new as we ‘probably’ won’t be living here much longer (but we might be). It feels like we’re spending all our time and energy treading water and all the while getting more and more exhausted. And that’s been the surprise I wasn’t expecting. All the waiting and hoping and praying and not-knowing is incredibly emotionally exhausting. I thought that having a lot more time on my hands would mean I’d be able to get all those annoying niggly jobs done around the house before we rent it out, but actually I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything, or I start something and then realise it’s actually a much bigger job than I thought and find myself giving up half way through as I just can’t be bothered to get it finished, which really isn’t like me at all.

I also thought I’d have a lovely clean and tidy house and be able to read loads of books and prepare myself for my new role. Again, wrong on all counts. The house is just as much a mess as it always was, I’m not getting much reading done at all and my head just spins around with endless thoughts about when we’ll be moving and wondering what’s happening now.

Last Thursday something changed. I woke up and decided to let it go. Let go of the worrying. Let go of the constant hoping. Let go of the frustration. Let go of all the decisions and uncertainty and striving. Hold all things loosely, the Bible teaches us, for everything ultimately belongs to God. It was a conscious decision. It wasn’t based on feelings. It was almost like a deliberate surrendering to the whole process and allowing things to take their course, however long it might take. And even though I do still think about it – a lot – it’s a different kind of thinking. The gut-wrenching anxiety has gone. I’m sleeping better. I feel a peace deep down in my heart that I can’t explain. And I know it’s God, holding me, holding us as a family through the uncertainty and all the unknowns. And I know he has a plan for us.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5)


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